What if I stumble?
What if I fail?Dr. Mark Ongley
This truth in Proverbs is important enough that Solomon repeats the exact verbiage in chapter 14 & 16. Clearly, this is a truth worth driving home… there are countless ways men, women and young people make foolish and destructive decisions based upon what seems right in the moment.
This faulty thinking can be traced all the way back to Adam and Eve’s original disobedience to God in the Garden of Eden. Even there, before sin saturated nearly every aspect of humanity, a decision was made. A decision based not on what God clearly stated, but on what “seemed right” regardless of what God said.
Naturally, the world doesn’t care about God’s laws. Many don’t even believe in the reality of a personal God who created all things, let alone a God who gave His life to redeem hopelessly fallen humanity. The real issue isn’t the perspective of the unchurched and non-believers. Rather, the far greater concern is so many are living according to “a way that seems right” to them, even as professed Christ-followers.
The examples are endless, but certainly compromise made in the inordinate pursuit of: pleasure, comfort, money, careers, retirement planning, following feelings, personal happiness, sex, and identity are a few of the many ways we set ourselves on a path leading toward death because we reject God’s way for what feels right to us.
As our understanding of and value for God’s laws diminish, we functionally consider ourselves to be more enlightened and “nicer” than God. So we make compromises for ourselves and others that often seem small at the time, frequently giving way to cumulative or major sudden life-choices that are a total departure from God’s intention and outside of His protective boundaries.
When this happens, we engage in the same distorted thinking and reasoning as Eve. We observe the “fruit” before us (whatever that might be). Satan, the world, and our own flesh reason that “it” seems good (Genesis 3:6) and we depart the narrow path of life for the wide path of destruction and death. Sadly, in our deluded condition we often influence others to join us on this path that promises wisdom, fun, and freedom, but actually leads to bondage.
Setting aside the many areas we as purported Christ-followers and regular church-attendeee ignore the lordship of Christ in our lives and abandon The Narrow Way, this particular blog post is addressing one primary area: cohabitation.
In 2019 Pew Research reported that 58% of white evangelicals approved of cohabitation if the couple intended to get married.
According an article at www.probe.org/cohabitation “Cohabitation, as a lifestyle, is on the rise. Consider the significant growth in cohabitation rates in the last few decades. In 1960 and 1970, about a half million were living together. But by 1980 that number was 1.5 million. By 1990 the number was nearly three million. And by 2000 the number was almost five million.
Researchers estimate that today as many as 50% of Americans cohabit at one time or another prior to marriage. The stereotype of two young, childless people living together is not completely accurate; currently, some 40% of cohabiting relationships involve children.”
I have a friend who regularly attends church, participates in Bible-studies, and highly values connecting with other Christians for support and mutual encouragement. She gave her all to an abusive first marriage, doing everything she knew to walk out her commitment and vows. When she discovered that her husband was committing adultery repeatedly she separated from him for a significant amount of time. With his apparent repentance and commitment to work on their marriage, supported by positive actions on his part over time, she returned home in hopes of participating in the much needed growth and development of a far better marriage.
Unfortunately, he did not have the same level of commitment, and as bad as the first 10 years of their marriage was, the years that followed were far worse, including more adultery. Eventually, she left the marriage and divorced her husband. She was devastated, to say the least, and needed time and counseling.
Eventually, without any intention of pursuing a relationship she became friends with a Christian guy, which led to a romantic connection. This brought about a dilemma. My friend had been so emotionally and mentally abused and violated, she was totally afraid of the prospect of ever marrying again. She also didn’t want to put her kids or herself through another failed marriage. She and her boyfriend wound up crossing sexual boundary lines. After that behavior continued for months, it didn’t seem like a big deal for him to move in, with the idea that it wouldn’t be long before they would “tie the knot”.
It’s been 4 or 5 years. They attend church together and seemingly have a life and family together, but with no actual commitment. Her boyfriend wants to get married, but there are still so many areas of unprocessed pain and fear it’s just been easier for my friend to stay where she’s at – living a life of cohabitation, disconnecting from God and her own conscience in this area and ignoring the impact her behavior is having on her now adult children, who are great young men and women, but care nothing for Christianity. Her witness for Christ and her inner peace have been compromised.
In most cases though, cohabitation isn’t about unresolved or avoided trauma from a previous marriage. It’s simply convenient; a way to save money, a way to “test drive” the guy or girl before saying “I do”. But this is a complete disregard for the institution of covenant marriage originated by God.
At www.crosswalk.com an article entitled, “Cohabitation and divorce - - is there a correlation?” stated the following: A 2010 "meta-analysis" looked at 26 peer-reviewed, published studies that followed various couples over time. This analysis found that marrieds who had cohabiting pasts were more likely to face divorce, and that "noncohabitors seem to have more confidence in the future of their relationship, and have less accepting attitudes toward divorce.
Hebrews 13:4 is frank and clear, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators [those who have sex before marriage] and adulterers [those who have sex with someone other than their spouse after marriage] God will judge.”
A few years ago a friend confided in me that he was completely baffled by his 12-step program leader. He had been part of a popular Christian recovery program in a local church for more than a year, working out his own substance abuse issues. He had recently learned that his leader was living with his girlfriend, but according to the leader they weren’t having sex.
While it is possible (though highly unlikely) they were not having sex, is that all that matters in whether or not couples are cohabitating? Aside from the fact that sexual sin is far more likely when we are living and sleeping under the same roof, how does this impact those who look to us as a shepherd or mentor? Either this will generate mistrust (as it should), undermine the leader’s character, or it may embolden others to live out the same practice, usually without any effective boundaries to guard against sexual sin.
1 Thessalonians 5:21-22 says “But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every appearance of evil”. Avoiding or delaying marriage and cohabitating instead may seem like wisdom, but it’s definitely not godly wisdom.
Staying on the narrow path with God and trusting His many commands to avoid sexual immorality are both good and for our flourishing, leads toward fulfillment, joy, and life. Let’s choose life, rather than momentary pleasure accompanied by severe long-term consequences.
We’ve had another surge of new subscribers, so just a quick reminder of our context. This blog is about helping people who struggle with sexual brokenness, and there a LOT of them: the sexually addicted, abused, and confused. Today’s topic is about the temptations which can beset us and the consequences of falling as we help others.
As you likely have heard, another prominent Christian has been caught in scandal. Michael Tait, formerly of DC Talk and more recently the Newsboys, has fallen. This is not a judgmental take nor an analysis of why such a person tumbles off the stage. It is simply a sobering message for those of us who work with the sexually broken. After all, anyone can fall.
Given our quickly changing tastes and trends, the music which nurtured us spiritually often dates us. For me it was Larry Norman and Keith Green—unfamiliar names for millennials and younger, but oh how they shaped and encouraged me!
As I have worked with youth over the past 30 years, I’ve often become fans of their Christian bands, including DC Talk. No matter what happens, I will always have the Jesus Freak album pounding in my head, including the well written and profound “What If I Stumble?”. Those lyrics describe the temptation of Christian music artists regarding the motives for their music. Note the tension between ministry and money in these words:
Is this one for the people?
Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade
For things I must afford?
After an investigation of several years, undeniable evidence and testimony have come to light about Tait’s hidden struggles, not with money but with sex. Credible firsthand accounts give lurid details of how he used his star status and influence to seduce men in their early 20’s.
Yes, we so very much get caught up in celebrities. The thrill of being granted access to a famous person can easily dissolve our defenses. Performers with any self-awareness can sense this. Note those prophetic words again:
Back to my point and purpose, whether you are famous or not, you gain power and influence over the addicted, abused, and confused as you seek to minister to them. Whether you are a pastor, counselor, or friend, you will eventually see “the trust in their eyes.” Yes, they need God’s love in their lives. But so often they can soak in our love and begin to transfer onto us, viewing us as the concerned dad, mom, or spouse their hearts have hungered for. That longing can become crazily powerful.
Their transference can be a channel for God to meet them through you in a deeply powerful way. If you have unmet needs of your own, however, compromise can begin to call. Watch out! If you begin to counter-transfer, seeing them as the son, daughter, or spouse you wished you had, you can be sucked in very quickly, soon swirling down the drain of dark desires.
Again, no judgment on Michael Tait. You and I likely cannot begin to imagine the horrendous struggle of being attracted to the same sex while also being a prominent fixture in Evangelical culture. Even though a member of a band, he may have felt there was no safe place to share his deepest struggles. That’s the ongoing pitfall of ministry in the Church which can’t discuss sex.
The lyrics of that song were a prayer to God, asking how he would react if they stumbled and fell. At one point, a chorus begins with . . .
So absolutely true, right? Whether it is Tait, King David, Ravi Zacharias, Jimmy Swaggart, or any other leader, God’s love is steadfast and unchanging. No question. But there are always consequences which follow. Always.
With sad irony, “What If I Stumble” begins with someone reading a quote by Brennan Manning:
Holiness is calling
In the midst of courting fame.
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling.
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling.
I hear You whispering my name
(You say)
My love for You will never change
(Never change)
The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.
Note his carefully. To avoid your own fall, you need to be in a band! No, not the Newsboys, Mercy Me, etc. You need a band of brothers or sisters who know your darkest struggles and vulnerabilities.
Since 1996, I’ve always had at least one brother in Christ who has known all my junk. Yes, I’ve been severely tempted. If not for the guardrails of God’s grace and the prayers of those who knew me intimately, I would have skidded off the road and over a cliff.
This is a key pillar of my book Pure Hearted: Banding Together for Sexual Wholeness. Though it is written for those coming out of some form of sexual addiction, the main premise holds true for us all. We need a band who will have our backs, especially as we hit the beaches being pounded by the Sexual Tsunami.
Don’t procrastinate on this. A free download on the history behind spiritual bands and how to form one can be found at this link: https://discipleshipbands.com.
Wading through a comment section recently, I came across this quote from Sun Tzu, no doubt from his ancient book The Art of War.
If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle. (Italics added.)
Know our Enemy. If you begin to minister to the sexually broken, you will come under attack. Be very much aware of his strategy. Someone’s transference and your unhealthy countertransference will be his ambush.
Know yourself as well. This is critical. Know your unmet needs and weaknesses. Prayerfully seek out a band of a few friends who can know your secrets and hold your feet to the fire. Risky? Yes. But take the risk! Keep seeking until God provides the right people!