by Richard Curd
This truth in Proverbs is important enough that Solomon repeats the exact verbiage in chapter 14 & 16. Clearly, this is a truth worth driving home… there are countless ways men, women and young people make foolish and destructive decisions based upon what seems right in the moment.
This faulty thinking can be traced all the way back to Adam and Eve’s original disobedience to God in the Garden of Eden. Even there, before sin saturated nearly every aspect of humanity, a decision was made. A decision based not on what God clearly stated, but on what “seemed right” regardless of what God said.
Naturally, the world doesn’t care about God’s laws. Many don’t even believe in the reality of a personal God who created all things, let alone a God who gave His life to redeem hopelessly fallen humanity. The real issue isn’t the perspective of the unchurched and non-believers. Rather, the far greater concern is so many are living according to “a way that seems right” to them, even as professed Christ-followers.
The examples are endless, but certainly compromise made in the inordinate pursuit of: pleasure, comfort, money, careers, retirement planning, following feelings, personal happiness, sex, and identity are a few of the many ways we set ourselves on a path leading toward death because we reject God’s way for what feels right to us.
As our understanding of and value for God’s laws diminish, we functionally consider ourselves to be more enlightened and “nicer” than God. So we make compromises for ourselves and others that often seem small at the time, frequently giving way to cumulative or major sudden life-choices that are a total departure from God’s intention and outside of His protective boundaries.
When this happens, we engage in the same distorted thinking and reasoning as Eve. We observe the “fruit” before us (whatever that might be). Satan, the world, and our own flesh reason that “it” seems good (Genesis 3:6) and we depart the narrow path of life for the wide path of destruction and death. Sadly, in our deluded condition we often influence others to join us on this path that promises wisdom, fun, and freedom, but actually leads to bondage.
Setting aside the many areas we as purported Christ-followers and regular church-attendeee ignore the lordship of Christ in our lives and abandon The Narrow Way, this particular blog post is addressing one primary area: cohabitation.
In 2019 Pew Research reported that 58% of white evangelicals approved of cohabitation if the couple intended to get married.
According an article at www.probe.org/cohabitation “Cohabitation, as a lifestyle, is on the rise. Consider the significant growth in cohabitation rates in the last few decades. In 1960 and 1970, about a half million were living together. But by 1980 that number was 1.5 million. By 1990 the number was nearly three million. And by 2000 the number was almost five million.
Researchers estimate that today as many as 50% of Americans cohabit at one time or another prior to marriage. The stereotype of two young, childless people living together is not completely accurate; currently, some 40% of cohabiting relationships involve children.”
I have a friend who regularly attends church, participates in Bible-studies, and highly values connecting with other Christians for support and mutual encouragement. She gave her all to an abusive first marriage, doing everything she knew to walk out her commitment and vows. When she discovered that her husband was committing adultery repeatedly she separated from him for a significant amount of time. With his apparent repentance and commitment to work on their marriage, supported by positive actions on his part over time, she returned home in hopes of participating in the much needed growth and development of a far better marriage.
Unfortunately, he did not have the same level of commitment, and as bad as the first 10 years of their marriage was, the years that followed were far worse, including more adultery. Eventually, she left the marriage and divorced her husband. She was devastated, to say the least, and needed time and counseling.
Eventually, without any intention of pursuing a relationship she became friends with a Christian guy, which led to a romantic connection. This brought about a dilemma. My friend had been so emotionally and mentally abused and violated, she was totally afraid of the prospect of ever marrying again. She also didn’t want to put her kids or herself through another failed marriage. She and her boyfriend wound up crossing sexual boundary lines. After that behavior continued for months, it didn’t seem like a big deal for him to move in, with the idea that it wouldn’t be long before they would “tie the knot”.
It’s been 4 or 5 years. They attend church together and seemingly have a life and family together, but with no actual commitment. Her boyfriend wants to get married, but there are still so many areas of unprocessed pain and fear it’s just been easier for my friend to stay where she’s at – living a life of cohabitation, disconnecting from God and her own conscience in this area and ignoring the impact her behavior is having on her now adult children, who are great young men and women, but care nothing for Christianity. Her witness for Christ and her inner peace have been compromised.
In most cases though, cohabitation isn’t about unresolved or avoided trauma from a previous marriage. It’s simply convenient; a way to save money, a way to “test drive” the guy or girl before saying “I do”. But this is a complete disregard for the institution of covenant marriage originated by God.
At www.crosswalk.com an article entitled, “Cohabitation and divorce - - is there a correlation?” stated the following: A 2010 "meta-analysis" looked at 26 peer-reviewed, published studies that followed various couples over time. This analysis found that marrieds who had cohabiting pasts were more likely to face divorce, and that "noncohabitors seem to have more confidence in the future of their relationship, and have less accepting attitudes toward divorce.
Hebrews 13:4 is frank and clear, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators [those who have sex before marriage] and adulterers [those who have sex with someone other than their spouse after marriage] God will judge.”
A few years ago a friend confided in me that he was completely baffled by his 12-step program leader. He had been part of a popular Christian recovery program in a local church for more than a year, working out his own substance abuse issues. He had recently learned that his leader was living with his girlfriend, but according to the leader they weren’t having sex.
While it is possible (though highly unlikely) they were not having sex, is that all that matters in whether or not couples are cohabitating? Aside from the fact that sexual sin is far more likely when we are living and sleeping under the same roof, how does this impact those who look to us as a shepherd or mentor? Either this will generate mistrust (as it should), undermine the leader’s character, or it may embolden others to live out the same practice, usually without any effective boundaries to guard against sexual sin.
1 Thessalonians 5:21-22 says “But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every appearance of evil”. Avoiding or delaying marriage and cohabitating instead may seem like wisdom, but it’s definitely not godly wisdom.
Staying on the narrow path with God and trusting His many commands to avoid sexual immorality are both good and for our flourishing, leads toward fulfillment, joy, and life. Let’s choose life, rather than momentary pleasure accompanied by severe long-term consequences.
BACK TO THE NARROW WAY
I first began to pray about buying my own home not long after moving into a patio home I planned to indefinitely rent. You will notice I use the word “home” instead of “house” or “investment property.” For me, buying a house meant feeling comfortable in a neighborhood I loved, putting down roots, and turning that property into a long-standing garden home where I belonged. But I had too many lingering questions about my life and future to leap forward, so I continued to rent, and I started to talk to my Father in heaven about it. Periodically I would drive through neighborhoods in every direction not far from work, or tour model homes when a new development was going up. Honestly, I had no idea what I was doing, so I invited the Lord to do it with me, and to guide my discovery. He’s good like that.
I grew up living across from a beautiful city park, so it was not surprising I hoped for a neighborhood with a large park at the epicenter. I began to visit one park in particular where I would stop and pray-walk the entire perimeter, at all different times of day and night, talking to the Lord about the area and every house along the way. I still drove around town searching elsewhere, but I found myself returning to this park often, pouring out my heart to God as I walked.
Progress on the matter was slow as the Lord had higher priority work that we were doing together in my life. But the day finally arrived at Christmas time one year when “nothing is happening” became “and then suddenly.” I had family visiting from out of state when I happened to drive down the street on the south side of that park and noticed a for-sale sign on the house in which I now live. On our second visit to the property, I turned to my father who was with me and told him with certainty of heart that I wanted this house, and I made an offer that was accepted later that night. Early the next morning another young man called my realtor with his offer for the same house, but he was notified that the property was no longer on the market. Seven years of praying and waiting suddenly became a few days of action with family by my side who happened to be in town, and a tight window of time not to be missed for a decision. Seven years of uncertainty and pray-walking the city with God as my realtor, then suddenly.
I don’t necessarily recommend this unusual approach to buying real estate. Have I mentioned I had no idea what I was doing? But of course, I do recommend inviting the Lord into all things with you because through that relationship you will more readily recognize the many ways of hearing God’s voice and confirming what you believe you have heard from Him.
We should always examine the thoughts and intentions of our hearts, and carefully test the words we receive from the Lord on our own or from Spirit-led people in the Church who influence us. Scripture has given us several key safeguards by which we accomplish this to avoid falling into deception and error.
The story of my prayerful search for a home is one example of being certain of God’s working through circumstances and timing. Both of these played such an important role in my confidence that the Lord had brought me to this location that I told the story to everyone who stopped by afterwards to welcome me to the neighborhood. These are also the reasons I steadfastly proclaim this to be the Lord’s home that I steward, not just my own.
There are biblical precedents for God’s hand working through circumstances and timing, for example:
“After these events Paul left Athens and went to Corinth. And he found a Jew named Aquila, a native of Pontus having recently come from Italy with his wife Priscilla, because Claudius had commanded all the Jews to leave Rome. He came to them, and because he was of the same trade he stayed with them, and they worked together, for they were tent-makers by trade.” (Acts 18:1-3, New American Standard)
This relationship between Paul, Aquila and Priscilla, which happened as a result of circumstances, became one of the most important, strategic partnerships in the book of Acts. As Paul prayerfully travelled on his missionary journey down the eastern coasts of Macedonia and Greece, I am certain he soon recognized the Lord’s hand in bringing this unique relationship together for Kingdom purpose when it happened.
As described earlier in this series, it is paramount that a word from God received by any other means should always be in full concurrence with the Scriptures and the character of God revealed there. “The Bereans Jews were of more noble character than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true” (Acts 17:7, New International Version).
Note also that a word we hear from God might be non-biblical (or extra-biblical), i.e., something not specifically described or given as an instruction in the Bible. But it must never be un-biblical, i.e., something that violates a Scriptural principle. For example, the word I received from the Lord about abstaining from all alcohol in Part 3 of this series was non-biblical (promising that “I would walk in deeper intimacy with Him and experience more spiritual effectiveness in ministry”). At the same time, it was not un-biblical by contradicting wisdom about strong drink mentioned throughout the Bible, but rather it was aligned with it.
When evaluating if any word from God concurs with Scripture, also bear in mind the need to consider the full counsel of God on a matter. For example, Scripture instructs, “Whoever spares the rod hates their children” (Proverbs 13:24, NIV), but it also admonishes, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children” (Ephesians 6:4, NIV). Therefore, we need Holy Spirit’s guidance to discern which principle is applicable in any given situation, and to become “a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth” (2 Timothy 2:15, NIV).
God has given the Church prophetic gifts (e.g. a word of knowledge, word of wisdom, or personal prophecy) as another means to give or validate a word from God. “Do not quench the Spirit; do not despise prophetic utterances. But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good” (1 Thessalonians 5:19-21, NIV).
Scripture also instructs us that godly counsel through trusted spiritual advisors and confirmation through works of the Lord are safeguards as well.
“Where no counsel is, the people fall. But in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” (Proverbs 11:14, New King James Version)
“By the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed.” (Matthew 18:16, NASB)
“Then the disciples went out and preached everywhere, and the Lord worked with them and confirmed his word by the signs that accompanied it.” (Matthew 16:20, NIV)
With these guardrails in mind, let me return to the most personal means by which we become confident we have heard a word from God when it is not scripturally-based; that is, our intimate relationship with God where Holy Spirit speaks to our heart.
“This is the covenant I will establish with the people of Israel after that time, declares the Lord. I will put my laws in their minds and write them on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. No longer will they teach their neighbor, or say to one another, ‘Know the Lord,’ because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest.” (Hebrews 8:10-11, NIV)
The peace of God settles on the heart, sometimes inexplicably, as a testament to the validity of a word received:
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful.” (Colossians 3:15, NIV)
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7, NIV)
I often think of Psalm 91 when talking about intimacy with God and His promises to protect, deliver, and communicate with those who love and trust Him:
“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” (Psalm 91:1, NIV)
“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.” (Psalm 91:14-16, NIV)
These promises are not for weekly “drive-by” Christians, but for believers who have learned to dwell with God. What does it mean to dwell somewhere? It is not a place we simply study and talk about, or a place we occasionally visit. It is a place we experience firsthand, where we intend to remain, or where we return regularly by lifestyle for fellowship, sustenance, and rest. Those who dwell with God in this secret place will be more attuned to recognize with confidence every move and rhema of God as the Holy Spirit speaks to the heart in peace. Yes, we are called to live in the community of believers and to be mindful of all the spiritual gifts and safeguards therein, and we don’t want to live as unwise (Ephesians 5:15), but ultimately alone “in Him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28, NIV).
After seven years of prayerful interaction with God about a home, I was overwhelmed the day I walked into the only house I viewed with a realtor. Even the configuration and décor of the house, and the expansive landscaped yard, matched to a detail what I would have chosen myself. I was so deeply moved that little could have dissuaded me from believing Jesus had prepared this place for me, and He had finally given me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). This was personal, between me and my Lord, and maybe only I would ever know it was God acting on my behalf to bring me there.
In the years since, many exchanges of love and wise instruction have occurred with God in those gardens as blooms unfold and then are pruned, as birds sing in the trees, thorns prick the skin, and weeds interfere. The voice of God is heard and proven in such personal spaces we all experience, e.g., in the creative work of embroidery, or construction, or homemaking, and any number of other arenas that must not be discounted when we think of God speaking into the heart of His people. Forgive a gardening pun, but these precious spaces are the very grounds for our most wholehearted worship. They do not replace what occurs in community at the church, but they deepen it as we invite the Lord to walk with us in the gardens of our life.
There may even come a time when we are so certain of His leading or something we believe we have heard from Him that we persevere in faith regardless of the opinion of others. Scripture is replete with examples of prophets, leaders, and saints who faced opposition to what they believed God had spoken to them and called them to do, in matters far more dire than homes and gardens. To God alone they would give an account. “Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand” (Romans 14:4, NIV).
It was long ago I sat purposefully on that bed in an upstairs bedroom of the spacious vintage house at university in the 1970s with my mission to hear from God. In those days I truncated my name to the moniker, Rich. But later in life, at the time of an important milestone, I sensed the Lord inviting me to take back my full name, Richard, and to live out the destiny of what that name means, i.e., strong leader, powerful ruler. That rhema from God remarkably changed everything henceforth in my life.
But even if we fail and fall, even if we get it totally wrong when we think we’ve heard from God and we take a risk to follow Him in our decisions, He is fully able to restore and redirect us. “Let everyone bless God and sing his praises; for He holds our lives in his hands, and he holds our feet to the path” (Psalm 66:8-9, NIV). I have other stories of my own sin and failure you might one day read in other postings to prove this point.
As I bring this series to a close, I want to leave you with a final encouragement about something the Lord has confirmed time and again throughout the years: We do indeed hear His voice (you might have been hearing from Him far more than you recognized), and we are safe in Christ to live courageously by what He says:
“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand.” (John 10:27-29, NIV)
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9, NIV)
Entire books have been written on the concepts described in this series, but I hope this introduction to hearing God’s voice has inspired you for more. Continue to prayerfully listen as you dwell with the Lord and courageously follow Him on your life journey.