by Richard Curd
This truth in Proverbs is important enough that Solomon repeats the exact verbiage in chapter 14 & 16. Clearly, this is a truth worth driving home… there are countless ways men, women and young people make foolish and destructive decisions based upon what seems right in the moment.
This faulty thinking can be traced all the way back to Adam and Eve’s original disobedience to God in the Garden of Eden. Even there, before sin saturated nearly every aspect of humanity, a decision was made. A decision based not on what God clearly stated, but on what “seemed right” regardless of what God said.
Naturally, the world doesn’t care about God’s laws. Many don’t even believe in the reality of a personal God who created all things, let alone a God who gave His life to redeem hopelessly fallen humanity. The real issue isn’t the perspective of the unchurched and non-believers. Rather, the far greater concern is so many are living according to “a way that seems right” to them, even as professed Christ-followers.
The examples are endless, but certainly compromise made in the inordinate pursuit of: pleasure, comfort, money, careers, retirement planning, following feelings, personal happiness, sex, and identity are a few of the many ways we set ourselves on a path leading toward death because we reject God’s way for what feels right to us.
As our understanding of and value for God’s laws diminish, we functionally consider ourselves to be more enlightened and “nicer” than God. So we make compromises for ourselves and others that often seem small at the time, frequently giving way to cumulative or major sudden life-choices that are a total departure from God’s intention and outside of His protective boundaries.
When this happens, we engage in the same distorted thinking and reasoning as Eve. We observe the “fruit” before us (whatever that might be). Satan, the world, and our own flesh reason that “it” seems good (Genesis 3:6) and we depart the narrow path of life for the wide path of destruction and death. Sadly, in our deluded condition we often influence others to join us on this path that promises wisdom, fun, and freedom, but actually leads to bondage.
Setting aside the many areas we as purported Christ-followers and regular church-attendeee ignore the lordship of Christ in our lives and abandon The Narrow Way, this particular blog post is addressing one primary area: cohabitation.
In 2019 Pew Research reported that 58% of white evangelicals approved of cohabitation if the couple intended to get married.
According an article at www.probe.org/cohabitation “Cohabitation, as a lifestyle, is on the rise. Consider the significant growth in cohabitation rates in the last few decades. In 1960 and 1970, about a half million were living together. But by 1980 that number was 1.5 million. By 1990 the number was nearly three million. And by 2000 the number was almost five million.
Researchers estimate that today as many as 50% of Americans cohabit at one time or another prior to marriage. The stereotype of two young, childless people living together is not completely accurate; currently, some 40% of cohabiting relationships involve children.”
I have a friend who regularly attends church, participates in Bible-studies, and highly values connecting with other Christians for support and mutual encouragement. She gave her all to an abusive first marriage, doing everything she knew to walk out her commitment and vows. When she discovered that her husband was committing adultery repeatedly she separated from him for a significant amount of time. With his apparent repentance and commitment to work on their marriage, supported by positive actions on his part over time, she returned home in hopes of participating in the much needed growth and development of a far better marriage.
Unfortunately, he did not have the same level of commitment, and as bad as the first 10 years of their marriage was, the years that followed were far worse, including more adultery. Eventually, she left the marriage and divorced her husband. She was devastated, to say the least, and needed time and counseling.
Eventually, without any intention of pursuing a relationship she became friends with a Christian guy, which led to a romantic connection. This brought about a dilemma. My friend had been so emotionally and mentally abused and violated, she was totally afraid of the prospect of ever marrying again. She also didn’t want to put her kids or herself through another failed marriage. She and her boyfriend wound up crossing sexual boundary lines. After that behavior continued for months, it didn’t seem like a big deal for him to move in, with the idea that it wouldn’t be long before they would “tie the knot”.
It’s been 4 or 5 years. They attend church together and seemingly have a life and family together, but with no actual commitment. Her boyfriend wants to get married, but there are still so many areas of unprocessed pain and fear it’s just been easier for my friend to stay where she’s at – living a life of cohabitation, disconnecting from God and her own conscience in this area and ignoring the impact her behavior is having on her now adult children, who are great young men and women, but care nothing for Christianity. Her witness for Christ and her inner peace have been compromised.
In most cases though, cohabitation isn’t about unresolved or avoided trauma from a previous marriage. It’s simply convenient; a way to save money, a way to “test drive” the guy or girl before saying “I do”. But this is a complete disregard for the institution of covenant marriage originated by God.
At www.crosswalk.com an article entitled, “Cohabitation and divorce - - is there a correlation?” stated the following: A 2010 "meta-analysis" looked at 26 peer-reviewed, published studies that followed various couples over time. This analysis found that marrieds who had cohabiting pasts were more likely to face divorce, and that "noncohabitors seem to have more confidence in the future of their relationship, and have less accepting attitudes toward divorce.
Hebrews 13:4 is frank and clear, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators [those who have sex before marriage] and adulterers [those who have sex with someone other than their spouse after marriage] God will judge.”
A few years ago a friend confided in me that he was completely baffled by his 12-step program leader. He had been part of a popular Christian recovery program in a local church for more than a year, working out his own substance abuse issues. He had recently learned that his leader was living with his girlfriend, but according to the leader they weren’t having sex.
While it is possible (though highly unlikely) they were not having sex, is that all that matters in whether or not couples are cohabitating? Aside from the fact that sexual sin is far more likely when we are living and sleeping under the same roof, how does this impact those who look to us as a shepherd or mentor? Either this will generate mistrust (as it should), undermine the leader’s character, or it may embolden others to live out the same practice, usually without any effective boundaries to guard against sexual sin.
1 Thessalonians 5:21-22 says “But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every appearance of evil”. Avoiding or delaying marriage and cohabitating instead may seem like wisdom, but it’s definitely not godly wisdom.
Staying on the narrow path with God and trusting His many commands to avoid sexual immorality are both good and for our flourishing, leads toward fulfillment, joy, and life. Let’s choose life, rather than momentary pleasure accompanied by severe long-term consequences.
BACK TO THE NARROW WAY
I sat purposefully on my bed with opened Bible in an upstairs bedroom of the spacious vintage house I shared with other Christian brothers off-campus at university in the 1970s. If you have seen the movie, Jesus Revolution, then you would recognize us, and you would realize the Spirit of Jesus was moving during those years on college campuses in the Midwest as well as the beaches of southern California. This postgraduate student was on a mission that day to hear from God.
The brothers of this collegiate household devoted the wee hours of each day in solitude to Bible study and prayer, each one in his own private nook of the house. I was usually nestled on the floor near a hallway window, but on this particular afternoon I sat squarely on my bed with a firm objective in mind. I had been offered a night clerk job at a nearby hotel on the business loop, and I was uncertain what to do. Is this the job for me? I was learning to seek the Lord in all things, but not yet familiar with the freedom I would later know in Christ to make mature decisions that honor and reflect Him.
Randomly flipping from book to chapter to passage and back again, in both Testaments, I hoped a relevant verse would pop off the page and catch my eye. This approach seemed to work before in my youthful innocence, and I needed it to work again that day. (Do not laugh, admit it, you have done the same thing.) In retrospect, I was unwittingly using the Scriptures like a divining tool to discover God’s will, but the Lord was about to teach me a better way.
Feeling foolish and flustered after a few hours, I abandoned the project, closed my Bible, and meandered downstairs. At the bottom of the long staircase was a room off the foyer that served as our library, expansive shelves lined with classic books, and a few cozy chairs and writing table. As I walked into the room, immediately I heard words so pronounced that I turned my head in reaction to the person who just spoke them. “The prudent man sees evil and hides himself; the naïve proceeds and pays a penalty.” Huh?! What does that mean? I looked around and there was no other person in the room. What does that verse have to do with any…? And suddenly, I knew.
When I interviewed for the graveyard shift at the hotel a few days earlier, I noticed a magazine rack across the lobby from the front desk where I would be nightly stationed if I accepted the job. I thought nothing of the two adult magazines in the rack because I had no compelling problem with such things. So, I had completely forgotten about them until the moment I entered the library. Instantly, I realized I would face temptation as a young man in that setting, hour after hour, night after night, and the Lord was answering my prayers for direction with His wisdom. Imagine my stunned expression standing alone in the middle of that room when these spot-on words were spoken!
This was not my first encounter with Holy Spirit, of course, but it was by far the most clear and instructive to date. The Lord immediately revealed key lessons, the most precious being another reminder that my Father does respond to me when I call out to Him, according to His sovereign timing and in His way. It was also evident He had not blessed my scavenger hunt through the Bible this time. I sensed His mandate for me to spiritually grow up. What He had done was to speak to me directly from the scriptures I had stored up in my heart as I sat daily on that floor near a hallway window month after month. On this day, he pulled out from that treasury a relevant pearl of wisdom from Proverbs, and He spoke it to me at the right time (Proverbs 27:12, New American Standard).
The epilogue of this story serves to encourage all of us that the Lord honors and rewards those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6, Luke 11:28). In this case, I turned down that job, but exactly seven days later I was offered a similar position in a nearby hotel with no tempting magazine rack in the lobby, for more money!
Lest we come to rely too heavily on personal experience to form our beliefs and theology on any spiritual matter, it is important to establish a biblical basis for our faith in it. The first lesson in learning to hear God’s voice in the present time is to realize that He has already shown His nature and power in what He has made (Romans 1:19-20), and His will and purposes in what He has already spoken. The voice of God is most prominently heard by what He already inspired others to write in the past for our benefit today:
“Long ago, at many times and in many ways, God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, but in these last days He has spoken to us by His Son.” (Hebrews 1:1, New International Version)
“Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.” (Romans 15:4, NIV)
To this day, I insist that young believers develop a daily practice of abiding in God’s recorded words in their own private nook because every nugget discovered there is a precious jewel. As David declared, “I have hidden Your word in my heart that I might not sin against You.” (Psalm 119:11, NIV)
We can also live with expectation knowing the Lord has promised to continue speaking to us personally by His Spirit:
“My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” (John 10:27, NIV)
“But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, Whom the Father will send in My name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” (John 14:26)
“I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. But when the Spirit of truth comes, He will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on His own; He will speak only what He hears.” (John 16:12-13, NIV)
“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God Who gives generously….and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5, NIV)
I cherish these promises, for by them I know it was Holy Spirit who reminded me in the library that day of a warning the Lord had spoken in the past that I had deposited in my heart, and He has done so many times since. And by these promises, I know He will similarly speak to you.
Another lesson in learning to hear God’s voice is to understand that there are two Greek words in the Bible that refer to God’s word, logos and rhema. There is not a consensus in the Church about the doctrinal implications of these two words, partly because there is not a perfect consistency of their use throughout the New Testament. Nonetheless, there is a general understanding of their definitions that is informative.
Logos refers to the totality of the Word of God (i.e., our Bible, the written Scriptures recorded as a revelation of God’s message to the world for people to hear and read), as well to as the person of Jesus Christ who is the living Logos.
“So, the word of God [logos] spread. The number of disciples in Jerusalem increased rapidly, and a large number of priests became obedient to the faith.” (Acts 6:7, NIV)
“Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God [logos] to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.” (Hebrews 13:7)
“In the beginning was the Word [Logos], and the Word [Logos] was with God, and the Word [Logos] was God.” (John 1:1, NIV)
Rhema generally refers to a word spoken by a living voice, and it was used in the New Testament to describe messages given to individuals for personal application. This first type of rhema is the means by which an informative message from the logos of God is inspired by Holy Spirit and transformed into a message that fills the hearer with faith and power to live it out.
“Simon answered, ‘Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so [rhema], I will let down the nets.’” (Luke 5:5, NIV)
“So, faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word [rhema] of Christ.” (Romans 10:17, NASB)
“Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word [rhema] that proceeds from the mouth of God.” (Matthew 4:4, NIV)
“For the word [rhema] of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:12, NIV)
Rhema can occur both at the precise moment you read a scripture (“Why have I never seen this before?!”), as well as in a spontaneous moment, seemingly out of the blue, as in my library story. Every word of God is inspired, and Holy Spirit illuminates the scriptures for application in our daily life as we direct our hearts and minds to seek Him. The exciting point of knowing the difference between these two words is the personal nature of hearing from God by rhema. Not just words written on a page, but a personal word spoken to you. When it happens, you will know. You will henceforth read Scripture curious to know which passage with a “word” is talking about rhema, that intimate Spirit-inspired revelation of God’s message.
There are other ways God communicates and His people recognize His voice, but the principles described here are foundational to everything else. We grow spiritually by putting aside childish things and grounding every spiritual pursuit in the Word of God. Future postings in this series will include other instructive stories, more ways to recognize God’s voice, some practical steps for posturing yourself to listen, and important guardrails to examine and test what you believe you have heard from God. Meanwhile, retreat to your own private nook, continue to build up your treasury, come to Jesus in faith with everything important in life, and begin to listen.