by Richard Curd
This truth in Proverbs is important enough that Solomon repeats the exact verbiage in chapter 14 & 16. Clearly, this is a truth worth driving home… there are countless ways men, women and young people make foolish and destructive decisions based upon what seems right in the moment.
This faulty thinking can be traced all the way back to Adam and Eve’s original disobedience to God in the Garden of Eden. Even there, before sin saturated nearly every aspect of humanity, a decision was made. A decision based not on what God clearly stated, but on what “seemed right” regardless of what God said.
Naturally, the world doesn’t care about God’s laws. Many don’t even believe in the reality of a personal God who created all things, let alone a God who gave His life to redeem hopelessly fallen humanity. The real issue isn’t the perspective of the unchurched and non-believers. Rather, the far greater concern is so many are living according to “a way that seems right” to them, even as professed Christ-followers.
The examples are endless, but certainly compromise made in the inordinate pursuit of: pleasure, comfort, money, careers, retirement planning, following feelings, personal happiness, sex, and identity are a few of the many ways we set ourselves on a path leading toward death because we reject God’s way for what feels right to us.
As our understanding of and value for God’s laws diminish, we functionally consider ourselves to be more enlightened and “nicer” than God. So we make compromises for ourselves and others that often seem small at the time, frequently giving way to cumulative or major sudden life-choices that are a total departure from God’s intention and outside of His protective boundaries.
When this happens, we engage in the same distorted thinking and reasoning as Eve. We observe the “fruit” before us (whatever that might be). Satan, the world, and our own flesh reason that “it” seems good (Genesis 3:6) and we depart the narrow path of life for the wide path of destruction and death. Sadly, in our deluded condition we often influence others to join us on this path that promises wisdom, fun, and freedom, but actually leads to bondage.
Setting aside the many areas we as purported Christ-followers and regular church-attendeee ignore the lordship of Christ in our lives and abandon The Narrow Way, this particular blog post is addressing one primary area: cohabitation.
In 2019 Pew Research reported that 58% of white evangelicals approved of cohabitation if the couple intended to get married.
According an article at www.probe.org/cohabitation “Cohabitation, as a lifestyle, is on the rise. Consider the significant growth in cohabitation rates in the last few decades. In 1960 and 1970, about a half million were living together. But by 1980 that number was 1.5 million. By 1990 the number was nearly three million. And by 2000 the number was almost five million.
Researchers estimate that today as many as 50% of Americans cohabit at one time or another prior to marriage. The stereotype of two young, childless people living together is not completely accurate; currently, some 40% of cohabiting relationships involve children.”
I have a friend who regularly attends church, participates in Bible-studies, and highly values connecting with other Christians for support and mutual encouragement. She gave her all to an abusive first marriage, doing everything she knew to walk out her commitment and vows. When she discovered that her husband was committing adultery repeatedly she separated from him for a significant amount of time. With his apparent repentance and commitment to work on their marriage, supported by positive actions on his part over time, she returned home in hopes of participating in the much needed growth and development of a far better marriage.
Unfortunately, he did not have the same level of commitment, and as bad as the first 10 years of their marriage was, the years that followed were far worse, including more adultery. Eventually, she left the marriage and divorced her husband. She was devastated, to say the least, and needed time and counseling.
Eventually, without any intention of pursuing a relationship she became friends with a Christian guy, which led to a romantic connection. This brought about a dilemma. My friend had been so emotionally and mentally abused and violated, she was totally afraid of the prospect of ever marrying again. She also didn’t want to put her kids or herself through another failed marriage. She and her boyfriend wound up crossing sexual boundary lines. After that behavior continued for months, it didn’t seem like a big deal for him to move in, with the idea that it wouldn’t be long before they would “tie the knot”.
It’s been 4 or 5 years. They attend church together and seemingly have a life and family together, but with no actual commitment. Her boyfriend wants to get married, but there are still so many areas of unprocessed pain and fear it’s just been easier for my friend to stay where she’s at – living a life of cohabitation, disconnecting from God and her own conscience in this area and ignoring the impact her behavior is having on her now adult children, who are great young men and women, but care nothing for Christianity. Her witness for Christ and her inner peace have been compromised.
In most cases though, cohabitation isn’t about unresolved or avoided trauma from a previous marriage. It’s simply convenient; a way to save money, a way to “test drive” the guy or girl before saying “I do”. But this is a complete disregard for the institution of covenant marriage originated by God.
At www.crosswalk.com an article entitled, “Cohabitation and divorce - - is there a correlation?” stated the following: A 2010 "meta-analysis" looked at 26 peer-reviewed, published studies that followed various couples over time. This analysis found that marrieds who had cohabiting pasts were more likely to face divorce, and that "noncohabitors seem to have more confidence in the future of their relationship, and have less accepting attitudes toward divorce.
Hebrews 13:4 is frank and clear, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators [those who have sex before marriage] and adulterers [those who have sex with someone other than their spouse after marriage] God will judge.”
A few years ago a friend confided in me that he was completely baffled by his 12-step program leader. He had been part of a popular Christian recovery program in a local church for more than a year, working out his own substance abuse issues. He had recently learned that his leader was living with his girlfriend, but according to the leader they weren’t having sex.
While it is possible (though highly unlikely) they were not having sex, is that all that matters in whether or not couples are cohabitating? Aside from the fact that sexual sin is far more likely when we are living and sleeping under the same roof, how does this impact those who look to us as a shepherd or mentor? Either this will generate mistrust (as it should), undermine the leader’s character, or it may embolden others to live out the same practice, usually without any effective boundaries to guard against sexual sin.
1 Thessalonians 5:21-22 says “But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every appearance of evil”. Avoiding or delaying marriage and cohabitating instead may seem like wisdom, but it’s definitely not godly wisdom.
Staying on the narrow path with God and trusting His many commands to avoid sexual immorality are both good and for our flourishing, leads toward fulfillment, joy, and life. Let’s choose life, rather than momentary pleasure accompanied by severe long-term consequences.
BACK TO THE NARROW WAY
A young man I walked alongside for a season of discipleship and healing prayer once posed this question to me, “What do I do with the pain?” He was making progress in connecting the emotional upheaval of a recent breakup and perceived betrayal by his peers to deeper wounds. The childhood trauma of paternal neglect and abandonment, once thought to be relegated to the distant past, had come roaring back to the present as grave depression. He was discovering that unresolved wounds of the past can trigger unexpectedly strong emotions when fresh wounding occurs. He was also realizing that mere intellectual assent to Scriptural truth is not a fast and easy fix to such troubles.
We know this kind of emotional pain is resolved over time by honestly addressing root issues, walking out forgiveness, embracing truth, and welcoming new, trustworthy sources of genuine love. This young man was on that journey, but the Lord’s promise to “heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds” could not come fast enough. (Psalm 147:3 New International Version)
Paul instructed the believers in Rome to be “transformed by the renewing of your mind.” (Romans 12:2 NIV). Today this verse is often misunderstood to be talking only about that intellectual agreement with biblical truth. However, the Greek word translated into English as the word “mind” conveys a much broader meaning. Far beyond the brain simply memorizing a few facts and verses, Paul is talking about a full transformation of being, from spirit through the soul to outward action, and that requires spiritual encounter with the living Christ. The healing of emotional pain is one outcome of supernatural encounters with Love.
When discussing our sin or cares, we often hear people say to “bring it to Jesus.” Blithely repeating that phrase and truly experiencing it are two different things. To describe what that means in practice, I began my reply to this young man’s question by offering a short story, taking great liberty with John Bunyan’s religious allegory, Pilgrim’s Progress.
There was a man, let us call him Christian, who carried around two large heavy bags, one slung over each shoulder. Over time, these bags became increasingly burdensome to carry. One of the bags, the heaviest by far, was full of his many grievous sins. All of his guilt and shame. One day Christian came to the cross, understood the gospel, laid down his heaviest bag at the feet of Jesus, and gave Him the contents. He knew that Jesus bore the punishment on the cross for the remission of all the sins in his heavy bag. Jesus had been sent by the Father to be rejected so Christian could be accepted, to be cursed so he could be blessed, to become sin so he could become righteous. Quickened to new life by the Spirit, Christian willingly dumped the contents of his bag at the cross and let Jesus bear it all. He accepted the Lord’s forgiveness and joyfully rose up without that bag in hand to follow Jesus on the road to the Celestial Kingdom.
Christian’s load was much lighter, but he was not completely free for he still carried the second bag that kept getting larger in size. This bag was full of his pain and sorrows, his disappointments and losses, his wounds caused by the sins of others committed against him, and his own sinful reactions to them. Christian would occasionally bring this bag to Jesus, sit down with Him, and tell Him all about the contents. He shared intimate memories and feelings about individual items and hoped for a release of the emotional burden. Not knowing what else to do, nor that he was welcomed by the One promised in Isaiah 53 who would also bear his suffering, Christian rose-up, put everything back in the bag, slung it over his shoulder again, and walked on in sorrow.
The point to this version of the story was to begin to answer the young man’s question, “What do I do with the pain?” While on his longer journey of discovery and obedience by which the Lord would fully resolve this young man’s pain, I offered a few insights and prayerful actions he could take that would bring short-term relief. Dedicated attention to them in the long-term would certainly contribute to his full, spiritual transformation of being.
Jesus came to bring shalom. Shalom means “peaceful” in Hebrew, but that word carries the connotation of “completeness, wholeness & health.” For example, someone who suffers chronic depression instead of abiding in peace is “incomplete” in their thinking and beliefs. This is why I often challenge people to carefully consider and pray for insight into what they believe in the deepest place of the heart, where emotional memories also reside, knowing that those beliefs are near to the root of all emotional problems. While on the journey of unpacking these beliefs and honestly looking at the impact they have had in life, we can simultaneously come to Jesus with our pain. We come with a purpose of releasing the pain to Him, much like Christian did with his sins. We come to exchange our pain, even if only temporarily in the beginning, with something peaceful.
We know that emotional pain from family brokenness is the most complex and deeply rooted kind of pain. It has been around the longest. We all experience the loss of love and friendships somewhere along the way in life, but when the pain of a recent experience is stubbornly resistant to being resolved and healed when brought to Jesus, then that pain is likely tied to something deeply rooted within the soul. Deeply rooted pain requires on-going encounters with Jesus for the one suffering to be made complete, whole, and healthy.
I suggested a personalized, Spirit-led prayer session, using the following steps as one immediate thing to do when experiencing emotional pain:
Again, engaging in this kind of prayer in the company of a partner who is helping to listen to the Lord with you and guide the prayer is quite helpful until you are comfortable doing it solo. It takes courage to invite Jesus into our suffering, rather than to temporarily push it away by resorting to the familiar comforts of an addictive, unwanted behavior. Pain brought to Jesus in this way is the pain that will be healed.
This encounter can heal some emotional pain almost completely. But for others, the pain might return, maybe quickly, as one arises and moves forward. But with every wave of grace, wave after wave, the Lord removes another layer, goes a little deeper, heals a little more. Yes, for the most deeply rooted issues, you might need to return to the cross of Jesus with your pain and do this again and again as you continue the longer journey of discovery with Him. However, the power that the pain has had to negatively affect your emotions, your body’s symptoms, your self-image, current relationships, and even future hopes & dreams, will diminish.
Meanwhile, it is certain Jesus will continue to help you as you ask Him for wisdom and insight about false beliefs that lie at the root of the pain. Your willingness to renounce these false beliefs and replace them with Truth is key to your transformation into wholeness. It is also guaranteed that the resolution of emotional pain is greatly enhanced (and sustained long-term) by willing submission to the process of forgiveness. Responding to what the Lord says about confession and forgiveness purifies the heart and gives Jesus the access to touch and heal it.
Look for other postings on all these critical topics.