Loneliness
by Joan Rulison
“Jesus said, ‘You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone,
for My Father is with Me.’” (John 16:32)
“What else does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace? This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him…though no one can help, since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object; in other words, by God himself.” (Blaise Pascal, Pensées1)
“I need God with skin on.” (An old preacher’s story2)
This truth in Proverbs is important enough that Solomon repeats the exact verbiage in chapter 14 & 16. Clearly, this is a truth worth driving home… there are countless ways men, women and young people make foolish and destructive decisions based upon what seems right in the moment.
This faulty thinking can be traced all the way back to Adam and Eve’s original disobedience to God in the Garden of Eden. Even there, before sin saturated nearly every aspect of humanity, a decision was made. A decision based not on what God clearly stated, but on what “seemed right” regardless of what God said.
Naturally, the world doesn’t care about God’s laws. Many don’t even believe in the reality of a personal God who created all things, let alone a God who gave His life to redeem hopelessly fallen humanity. The real issue isn’t the perspective of the unchurched and non-believers. Rather, the far greater concern is so many are living according to “a way that seems right” to them, even as professed Christ-followers.
The examples are endless, but certainly compromise made in the inordinate pursuit of: pleasure, comfort, money, careers, retirement planning, following feelings, personal happiness, sex, and identity are a few of the many ways we set ourselves on a path leading toward death because we reject God’s way for what feels right to us.
As our understanding of and value for God’s laws diminish, we functionally consider ourselves to be more enlightened and “nicer” than God. So we make compromises for ourselves and others that often seem small at the time, frequently giving way to cumulative or major sudden life-choices that are a total departure from God’s intention and outside of His protective boundaries.
When this happens, we engage in the same distorted thinking and reasoning as Eve. We observe the “fruit” before us (whatever that might be). Satan, the world, and our own flesh reason that “it” seems good (Genesis 3:6) and we depart the narrow path of life for the wide path of destruction and death. Sadly, in our deluded condition we often influence others to join us on this path that promises wisdom, fun, and freedom, but actually leads to bondage.
Setting aside the many areas we as purported Christ-followers and regular church-attendeee ignore the lordship of Christ in our lives and abandon The Narrow Way, this particular blog post is addressing one primary area: cohabitation.
In 2019 Pew Research reported that 58% of white evangelicals approved of cohabitation if the couple intended to get married.
According an article at www.probe.org/cohabitation “Cohabitation, as a lifestyle, is on the rise. Consider the significant growth in cohabitation rates in the last few decades. In 1960 and 1970, about a half million were living together. But by 1980 that number was 1.5 million. By 1990 the number was nearly three million. And by 2000 the number was almost five million.
Researchers estimate that today as many as 50% of Americans cohabit at one time or another prior to marriage. The stereotype of two young, childless people living together is not completely accurate; currently, some 40% of cohabiting relationships involve children.”
I have a friend who regularly attends church, participates in Bible-studies, and highly values connecting with other Christians for support and mutual encouragement. She gave her all to an abusive first marriage, doing everything she knew to walk out her commitment and vows. When she discovered that her husband was committing adultery repeatedly she separated from him for a significant amount of time. With his apparent repentance and commitment to work on their marriage, supported by positive actions on his part over time, she returned home in hopes of participating in the much needed growth and development of a far better marriage.
Unfortunately, he did not have the same level of commitment, and as bad as the first 10 years of their marriage was, the years that followed were far worse, including more adultery. Eventually, she left the marriage and divorced her husband. She was devastated, to say the least, and needed time and counseling.
Eventually, without any intention of pursuing a relationship she became friends with a Christian guy, which led to a romantic connection. This brought about a dilemma. My friend had been so emotionally and mentally abused and violated, she was totally afraid of the prospect of ever marrying again. She also didn’t want to put her kids or herself through another failed marriage. She and her boyfriend wound up crossing sexual boundary lines. After that behavior continued for months, it didn’t seem like a big deal for him to move in, with the idea that it wouldn’t be long before they would “tie the knot”.
It’s been 4 or 5 years. They attend church together and seemingly have a life and family together, but with no actual commitment. Her boyfriend wants to get married, but there are still so many areas of unprocessed pain and fear it’s just been easier for my friend to stay where she’s at – living a life of cohabitation, disconnecting from God and her own conscience in this area and ignoring the impact her behavior is having on her now adult children, who are great young men and women, but care nothing for Christianity. Her witness for Christ and her inner peace have been compromised.
In most cases though, cohabitation isn’t about unresolved or avoided trauma from a previous marriage. It’s simply convenient; a way to save money, a way to “test drive” the guy or girl before saying “I do”. But this is a complete disregard for the institution of covenant marriage originated by God.
At www.crosswalk.com an article entitled, “Cohabitation and divorce - - is there a correlation?” stated the following: A 2010 "meta-analysis" looked at 26 peer-reviewed, published studies that followed various couples over time. This analysis found that marrieds who had cohabiting pasts were more likely to face divorce, and that "noncohabitors seem to have more confidence in the future of their relationship, and have less accepting attitudes toward divorce.
Hebrews 13:4 is frank and clear, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators [those who have sex before marriage] and adulterers [those who have sex with someone other than their spouse after marriage] God will judge.”
A few years ago a friend confided in me that he was completely baffled by his 12-step program leader. He had been part of a popular Christian recovery program in a local church for more than a year, working out his own substance abuse issues. He had recently learned that his leader was living with his girlfriend, but according to the leader they weren’t having sex.
While it is possible (though highly unlikely) they were not having sex, is that all that matters in whether or not couples are cohabitating? Aside from the fact that sexual sin is far more likely when we are living and sleeping under the same roof, how does this impact those who look to us as a shepherd or mentor? Either this will generate mistrust (as it should), undermine the leader’s character, or it may embolden others to live out the same practice, usually without any effective boundaries to guard against sexual sin.
1 Thessalonians 5:21-22 says “But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every appearance of evil”. Avoiding or delaying marriage and cohabitating instead may seem like wisdom, but it’s definitely not godly wisdom.
Staying on the narrow path with God and trusting His many commands to avoid sexual immorality are both good and for our flourishing, leads toward fulfillment, joy, and life. Let’s choose life, rather than momentary pleasure accompanied by severe long-term consequences.
“The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
(Psalm 34:18)
BACK TO THE NARROW WAY
We need others with faith in God to encourage us in the right direction. Jonathan helped David to find strength in God (1 Samuel 23:16). To Moses who was trying to lead Israel on his own, God’s reply was, “The thing is too heavy for you. You are not able to do it alone” (Exodus 18:18). Ecclesiastes 4:10 says, “Woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!”
Even Jesus wanted companionship. It was important to Him. He chose the twelve disciples after a night of prayer. He wanted His faithful few near Him as the time of the Cross drew near, “He took Peter, James, and John along with Him, and He began to be deeply distressed and troubled” (Matthew 14:33).
There are about 60 “one another’s” in the New Testament — exhortations to live in community with “one another”. “We must also consider how to encourage each other to show love and to do good things. We should not stop gathering together with other believers, as some of you are doing. Instead, we must continue to encourage each other” (Hebrews 10:24-25). Admonish one another (Colossians 3:16-17), confess your sins to one another, pray for one another (James 5:16). These are just a few of the essential components of not being alone (and thus feeling lonely), but it requires honesty with others, not “maintaining an appearance” to hide what’s really going on. Loneliness is too great a need to be met with false approval and Facebook likes. Deep hurts and struggles require deep connections to be the avenue of healing. This requires courage, and also the right people.
When I became a Christian and left my relatively short-lived jaunt into lesbianism, it didn’t take long until the attitude the Christian world had towards homosexuality cast a shadow of shame over me that I didn’t know how to get free of, and therefore I pretty much stayed in silence for 15 years. Finally, I just had to talk to someone who could understand this. Going to a counselor and then attending Living Waters opened a floodgate of understanding of all the things that had contributed to my attraction to women and my insecurities about my own identity. Equally important, it provided fellowship with others who were struggling with this and yet were pursuing God and His truth.
Find Community, or Create It
Don’t stay isolated. Take action.
First, talk bluntly and openly with God, echoing David’s pleas for help found in the Psalms. God will hear your prayers.
Next, ask God to lead you, go to some trusted friends and share your story. If someone with whom you share your story cannot handle it, find another.
If the Lord so leads, seek out a Living Waters group and join it — or find a similar group of committed Christians who will journey with you toward refinement into the image of Jesus.
Remember, you’re not looking for perfect people. You’ll never find any of those. You’re looking for people who are committed whole-heartedly to journeying Jesus’ narrow way together with you — the path on which Jesus leads all His followers. Together, you’ll begin to receive the blessings of joy within the Jesus-oriented, Jesus-submitted community that He promised us.
References:
1. Pascal, Blaise. “Where Does the Concept of a ‘God-Shaped Hole’ Originate?” Christianity Stack Exchange, 1 Nov. 1958, (link).
2. Beddingfield, John F. “God with Skin On.” Words, Nevertheless, 21 May 2017, (link).
3. Perlman, D., & Peplau, L. A. (1981). Toward a Social Psychology of Loneliness. Personal Relationships in Disorder, (Chap. 2) p. 31.
4. Signs and Symptoms of Chronic Loneliness. (link).
5. (link).
6. Yanguas J, Pinazo-Henandis S, Tarazona-Santabalbina FJ. The Complexity of Loneliness. Acta Biomed. 2018 Jun 7;89(2):302-314. doi: 10.23750/abm.v89i2.7404. PMID: 29957768; PMCID: PMC6179015.