Debra Baty
This truth in Proverbs is important enough that Solomon repeats the exact verbiage in chapter 14 & 16. Clearly, this is a truth worth driving home… there are countless ways men, women and young people make foolish and destructive decisions based upon what seems right in the moment.
This faulty thinking can be traced all the way back to Adam and Eve’s original disobedience to God in the Garden of Eden. Even there, before sin saturated nearly every aspect of humanity, a decision was made. A decision based not on what God clearly stated, but on what “seemed right” regardless of what God said.
Naturally, the world doesn’t care about God’s laws. Many don’t even believe in the reality of a personal God who created all things, let alone a God who gave His life to redeem hopelessly fallen humanity. The real issue isn’t the perspective of the unchurched and non-believers. Rather, the far greater concern is so many are living according to “a way that seems right” to them, even as professed Christ-followers.
The examples are endless, but certainly compromise made in the inordinate pursuit of: pleasure, comfort, money, careers, retirement planning, following feelings, personal happiness, sex, and identity are a few of the many ways we set ourselves on a path leading toward death because we reject God’s way for what feels right to us.
As our understanding of and value for God’s laws diminish, we functionally consider ourselves to be more enlightened and “nicer” than God. So we make compromises for ourselves and others that often seem small at the time, frequently giving way to cumulative or major sudden life-choices that are a total departure from God’s intention and outside of His protective boundaries.
When this happens, we engage in the same distorted thinking and reasoning as Eve. We observe the “fruit” before us (whatever that might be). Satan, the world, and our own flesh reason that “it” seems good (Genesis 3:6) and we depart the narrow path of life for the wide path of destruction and death. Sadly, in our deluded condition we often influence others to join us on this path that promises wisdom, fun, and freedom, but actually leads to bondage.
Setting aside the many areas we as purported Christ-followers and regular church-attendeee ignore the lordship of Christ in our lives and abandon The Narrow Way, this particular blog post is addressing one primary area: cohabitation.
In 2019 Pew Research reported that 58% of white evangelicals approved of cohabitation if the couple intended to get married.
According an article at www.probe.org/cohabitation “Cohabitation, as a lifestyle, is on the rise. Consider the significant growth in cohabitation rates in the last few decades. In 1960 and 1970, about a half million were living together. But by 1980 that number was 1.5 million. By 1990 the number was nearly three million. And by 2000 the number was almost five million.
Researchers estimate that today as many as 50% of Americans cohabit at one time or another prior to marriage. The stereotype of two young, childless people living together is not completely accurate; currently, some 40% of cohabiting relationships involve children.”
I have a friend who regularly attends church, participates in Bible-studies, and highly values connecting with other Christians for support and mutual encouragement. She gave her all to an abusive first marriage, doing everything she knew to walk out her commitment and vows. When she discovered that her husband was committing adultery repeatedly she separated from him for a significant amount of time. With his apparent repentance and commitment to work on their marriage, supported by positive actions on his part over time, she returned home in hopes of participating in the much needed growth and development of a far better marriage.
Unfortunately, he did not have the same level of commitment, and as bad as the first 10 years of their marriage was, the years that followed were far worse, including more adultery. Eventually, she left the marriage and divorced her husband. She was devastated, to say the least, and needed time and counseling.
Eventually, without any intention of pursuing a relationship she became friends with a Christian guy, which led to a romantic connection. This brought about a dilemma. My friend had been so emotionally and mentally abused and violated, she was totally afraid of the prospect of ever marrying again. She also didn’t want to put her kids or herself through another failed marriage. She and her boyfriend wound up crossing sexual boundary lines. After that behavior continued for months, it didn’t seem like a big deal for him to move in, with the idea that it wouldn’t be long before they would “tie the knot”.
It’s been 4 or 5 years. They attend church together and seemingly have a life and family together, but with no actual commitment. Her boyfriend wants to get married, but there are still so many areas of unprocessed pain and fear it’s just been easier for my friend to stay where she’s at – living a life of cohabitation, disconnecting from God and her own conscience in this area and ignoring the impact her behavior is having on her now adult children, who are great young men and women, but care nothing for Christianity. Her witness for Christ and her inner peace have been compromised.
In most cases though, cohabitation isn’t about unresolved or avoided trauma from a previous marriage. It’s simply convenient; a way to save money, a way to “test drive” the guy or girl before saying “I do”. But this is a complete disregard for the institution of covenant marriage originated by God.
At www.crosswalk.com an article entitled, “Cohabitation and divorce - - is there a correlation?” stated the following: A 2010 "meta-analysis" looked at 26 peer-reviewed, published studies that followed various couples over time. This analysis found that marrieds who had cohabiting pasts were more likely to face divorce, and that "noncohabitors seem to have more confidence in the future of their relationship, and have less accepting attitudes toward divorce.
Hebrews 13:4 is frank and clear, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators [those who have sex before marriage] and adulterers [those who have sex with someone other than their spouse after marriage] God will judge.”
A few years ago a friend confided in me that he was completely baffled by his 12-step program leader. He had been part of a popular Christian recovery program in a local church for more than a year, working out his own substance abuse issues. He had recently learned that his leader was living with his girlfriend, but according to the leader they weren’t having sex.
While it is possible (though highly unlikely) they were not having sex, is that all that matters in whether or not couples are cohabitating? Aside from the fact that sexual sin is far more likely when we are living and sleeping under the same roof, how does this impact those who look to us as a shepherd or mentor? Either this will generate mistrust (as it should), undermine the leader’s character, or it may embolden others to live out the same practice, usually without any effective boundaries to guard against sexual sin.
1 Thessalonians 5:21-22 says “But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every appearance of evil”. Avoiding or delaying marriage and cohabitating instead may seem like wisdom, but it’s definitely not godly wisdom.
Staying on the narrow path with God and trusting His many commands to avoid sexual immorality are both good and for our flourishing, leads toward fulfillment, joy, and life. Let’s choose life, rather than momentary pleasure accompanied by severe long-term consequences.
This is the fourth part of a series reviewing Dr. Gregory Coles1 “Pastoral Paper” entitled, “Understanding Celibate Partnerships and Committed Friendships.” It can be found on the Center for Faith, Sexuality, and Gender website, where Coles is the Senior Research Fellow under President Preston Sprinkle. In Part I we looked at the paper’s framework, aims and structural outline. Here we continue to think through the common themes found in what Coles shared from the people he interviewed.
Common Themes
Romance is Undeniable, Except When it Isn’t
This would be comical if it wasn’t so sad. Here are a few quotes:
"When I say that our relationship is not romantic – a lot of that stems from me challenging the concept of romance altogether. I don’t think the concept of romance really exists in any kind of real concrete form." Pg 25
"Romance is a kind of modern construct. Romance is about the strong feelings of love that you have for another human being. In some ways I think there are romantic feelings between friends. I don’t think it’s just exclusive to marriage. … There can be really strong emotional bonds and feelings between friends that can be romantic in some ways. I don’t think romance necessarily leads to sex and sex relationships. Yes, it can, and you should be aware of that, but it doesn’t necessarily have to." Pg 27
It's fine to be romantic when we change the defnition of the word, or pretend we don’t know how powerful romantic feelings can be. Romance in a same-sex relationship is not morally neutral. Here is a particularly troubling example of not seeing the forest for the trees:
This was the response of one interviewee whose chosen family includes both her husband and another committed friend: I don’t love her in the same way that I love my husband, but I absolutely love her and express that through physical affection …If the two of us are going out, we hold hands with each other, we put our arms around each other, we lean on each other’s shoulders – there is a very clear sense physical comfortableness and affection. Pg 25
This is inappropriate – this behavior is not good for anyone in the household.
Although this section contained a disturbing number of people not knowing what “romance” meant, and demonstrating reckless behavior and attitudes toward it, there were a few level-headed folks who acknowledged it isn’t something to be messed with.
I’ve made the mistake before of giving too much, being too expressive in gift-giving and showing things off and making picnics on the beach, because I wanted to show friends can do this…and it has caused a disruption in feelings. Pg 25
How [do] I know whether one of my friendships is becoming romantic? I ask my whether we’re trying to cultivate the kind of friendship you could have with a sibling…. I don’t think Ruth and Naomi, David and Johnathan, Jesus and John, or Paul and Timothy did anything you’d feel uncomfortable doing in a healthy friendship with a biological sibling. Pg 26 [These guys live with multiple other men.]
These fellows get it – if it isn’t something you’d do with a sibling, if it is something that could lead toward enticing someone sexually, you’re overstepping into a dangerous area. This essay2 (see footnote for PDF link) was very helpful to me in discerning what was romantic and should therefore be avoided in my relationships with friends. You can also refer to chapter 8 of Holy Sexuality and the Gospel, by Christopher Yuan, for more help with this.
Compartmentalizing Civil vs. Spiritual Marriage
Of all that was in this document, this was the theme that caught me by surprise. He is how Coles opened this segment of his paper:
Perhaps one of the most controversial aspects of celibate partnerships and committed friendships between LGBTQ+ people of the same sex is the question whether participants are open to entering into a civil same-sex marriage with on another. Closely related is the question of what a married and sexually active same sex couple ought to do if they reach the conviction that they are called to abstain from same-sex sexual activity: must they pursue a civil divorce, or can they remain legally married, live in the same house, and pursue life as celibate partners? Pg 2
I had to read that several times to be sure I had it right. For some reason, some Christians in these celibate partnerships / committed friendships who experience attractions to the same sex are considering entering into a civil marriage. This should not even be a question. If you’re seriously thinking of taking this step, it’s a sign you’ve made a bad decision to enter this type of relationship in the first place.
On top of this, Coles writes that a “closely related question” is what persons who has been in a legal marriage to someone of the same sex should do if they “reach the conviction that they are called to abstain from same-sex sexual activity.” This is not closely related question at all! It was astonishing to read this. The first case is a matter of walking into sin, the second case is about walking out of it. The reason people gave for considering the first question was dismal:
Most of my interviewees indicated that they had no ethical objection to celibate people pursuing (or remaining in) civil same-sex marriages. However, not all of them intended to pursue such an arrangement themselves. “It might feel a little dishonest,” one interviewee told me, while also noting, “Logistically, I totally see the benefits.... There are really good financial gains for that.” Another said, “If I were to get to that point in a partnership, I’d have to think about it and pray abou it. But personally, I have no issues with people who have decided to do that.” Pg 2
For some interviewees, however, pursuing a civil marriage felt significant to their hopes for their future lives together. “We definitely plan to pursue a legal marriage," one celibate partner explained, “because there’s no other recognition legally that can afford you the same privileges. We also have considered adopting, so that wo make our lives a lot easier.” Pg 23
Another interviewee disclosed, “We entered a civil marriage many years ago. We kept it very, very, very quiet. I wouldn’t want to be identified as somebody who’s held up my hand and said, ‘Oh, yeah, we’re civilly married.’ In a post-Obergefell world, that was our only option.” He went on to explain, “It’s really convenient in medical situations to throw out the spouse card, because then you get treated a lot differently than if you say words like ‘partner’ or ‘friend.’” Pg 23
A number of interviewees were quick to clarify that if they did pursue civil same sex marriage, they would make it “very intentionally not a spiritual marriage,” as one celibate partner said. He went on to detail, “We wouldn’t have a pastor officiate; we’d go to a judge.” Pg 23
“I’m not against the idea of marrying my partner for things like sharing benefits and responsibilities in the eyes of our government, but it would never be something consummated before God as a union.” Pg 23
A third interviewee said of civil marriage, “I just see it as a piece of paper handed out by the state that has no ultimate spiritual consequence.” However, he noted understanding that others might see it differently. Pg 23
Though no one I interviewed expressed specific concerns about a civil marriage creating an environment of increased sexual temptation for themselves personally, a few noted that this dynamic might be at play for some people. Pg 23-24
“Most…had no ethical objection to celibate people pursuing (or remaining in) civil same-sex marriages.” “It might feel a little dishonest…” Of course it is dishonest an ethically wrong. Since when do Christians separate ethics from morality? We have answer to the King of Kings. There is a serious lack of discipleship among those who are quoted here. This isn’t just a “piece of paper” with no spiritual consequence. It a paper proclaiming what would be an ungodly covenant, and one that gains access benefits that are not yours to claim. The person who said, “In a post-Obergefell world, that was our only option,” is negating the provision of almighty God.
And He said to His disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither so nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.
“Fear not, little rock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.” Luke 12:22-32
Sin is never “our only option.” Entering into a civil marriage in these “partnerships adds layers of confusion where clarity is desperately needed, both in the church and the world at large.
In the next two editions, we’ll take a break from this series to share some news updates.
[1] https://www.urfellowship.com/uploads/5/0/1/9/5019345/emotional_dependency__a_threat_to_close_friendships_-_by_lori_thorkelson_.pdf
[3] It was also odd that Coles chose to write about repenting from same sex sexual activity as a “conviction” that one is “called to?” I pray he doesn’t mean this isn’t a matter of personal conviction or calling. I don’t think that is what he meant, but it isn’t the greatest choice of words.
[4] I Corinthians 10:13
1 https://www.centerforfaith.com/about/our-leadership