Debra Baty
This truth in Proverbs is important enough that Solomon repeats the exact verbiage in chapter 14 & 16. Clearly, this is a truth worth driving home… there are countless ways men, women and young people make foolish and destructive decisions based upon what seems right in the moment.
This faulty thinking can be traced all the way back to Adam and Eve’s original disobedience to God in the Garden of Eden. Even there, before sin saturated nearly every aspect of humanity, a decision was made. A decision based not on what God clearly stated, but on what “seemed right” regardless of what God said.
Naturally, the world doesn’t care about God’s laws. Many don’t even believe in the reality of a personal God who created all things, let alone a God who gave His life to redeem hopelessly fallen humanity. The real issue isn’t the perspective of the unchurched and non-believers. Rather, the far greater concern is so many are living according to “a way that seems right” to them, even as professed Christ-followers.
The examples are endless, but certainly compromise made in the inordinate pursuit of: pleasure, comfort, money, careers, retirement planning, following feelings, personal happiness, sex, and identity are a few of the many ways we set ourselves on a path leading toward death because we reject God’s way for what feels right to us.
As our understanding of and value for God’s laws diminish, we functionally consider ourselves to be more enlightened and “nicer” than God. So we make compromises for ourselves and others that often seem small at the time, frequently giving way to cumulative or major sudden life-choices that are a total departure from God’s intention and outside of His protective boundaries.
When this happens, we engage in the same distorted thinking and reasoning as Eve. We observe the “fruit” before us (whatever that might be). Satan, the world, and our own flesh reason that “it” seems good (Genesis 3:6) and we depart the narrow path of life for the wide path of destruction and death. Sadly, in our deluded condition we often influence others to join us on this path that promises wisdom, fun, and freedom, but actually leads to bondage.
Setting aside the many areas we as purported Christ-followers and regular church-attendeee ignore the lordship of Christ in our lives and abandon The Narrow Way, this particular blog post is addressing one primary area: cohabitation.
In 2019 Pew Research reported that 58% of white evangelicals approved of cohabitation if the couple intended to get married.
According an article at www.probe.org/cohabitation “Cohabitation, as a lifestyle, is on the rise. Consider the significant growth in cohabitation rates in the last few decades. In 1960 and 1970, about a half million were living together. But by 1980 that number was 1.5 million. By 1990 the number was nearly three million. And by 2000 the number was almost five million.
Researchers estimate that today as many as 50% of Americans cohabit at one time or another prior to marriage. The stereotype of two young, childless people living together is not completely accurate; currently, some 40% of cohabiting relationships involve children.”
I have a friend who regularly attends church, participates in Bible-studies, and highly values connecting with other Christians for support and mutual encouragement. She gave her all to an abusive first marriage, doing everything she knew to walk out her commitment and vows. When she discovered that her husband was committing adultery repeatedly she separated from him for a significant amount of time. With his apparent repentance and commitment to work on their marriage, supported by positive actions on his part over time, she returned home in hopes of participating in the much needed growth and development of a far better marriage.
Unfortunately, he did not have the same level of commitment, and as bad as the first 10 years of their marriage was, the years that followed were far worse, including more adultery. Eventually, she left the marriage and divorced her husband. She was devastated, to say the least, and needed time and counseling.
Eventually, without any intention of pursuing a relationship she became friends with a Christian guy, which led to a romantic connection. This brought about a dilemma. My friend had been so emotionally and mentally abused and violated, she was totally afraid of the prospect of ever marrying again. She also didn’t want to put her kids or herself through another failed marriage. She and her boyfriend wound up crossing sexual boundary lines. After that behavior continued for months, it didn’t seem like a big deal for him to move in, with the idea that it wouldn’t be long before they would “tie the knot”.
It’s been 4 or 5 years. They attend church together and seemingly have a life and family together, but with no actual commitment. Her boyfriend wants to get married, but there are still so many areas of unprocessed pain and fear it’s just been easier for my friend to stay where she’s at – living a life of cohabitation, disconnecting from God and her own conscience in this area and ignoring the impact her behavior is having on her now adult children, who are great young men and women, but care nothing for Christianity. Her witness for Christ and her inner peace have been compromised.
In most cases though, cohabitation isn’t about unresolved or avoided trauma from a previous marriage. It’s simply convenient; a way to save money, a way to “test drive” the guy or girl before saying “I do”. But this is a complete disregard for the institution of covenant marriage originated by God.
At www.crosswalk.com an article entitled, “Cohabitation and divorce - - is there a correlation?” stated the following: A 2010 "meta-analysis" looked at 26 peer-reviewed, published studies that followed various couples over time. This analysis found that marrieds who had cohabiting pasts were more likely to face divorce, and that "noncohabitors seem to have more confidence in the future of their relationship, and have less accepting attitudes toward divorce.
Hebrews 13:4 is frank and clear, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators [those who have sex before marriage] and adulterers [those who have sex with someone other than their spouse after marriage] God will judge.”
A few years ago a friend confided in me that he was completely baffled by his 12-step program leader. He had been part of a popular Christian recovery program in a local church for more than a year, working out his own substance abuse issues. He had recently learned that his leader was living with his girlfriend, but according to the leader they weren’t having sex.
While it is possible (though highly unlikely) they were not having sex, is that all that matters in whether or not couples are cohabitating? Aside from the fact that sexual sin is far more likely when we are living and sleeping under the same roof, how does this impact those who look to us as a shepherd or mentor? Either this will generate mistrust (as it should), undermine the leader’s character, or it may embolden others to live out the same practice, usually without any effective boundaries to guard against sexual sin.
1 Thessalonians 5:21-22 says “But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every appearance of evil”. Avoiding or delaying marriage and cohabitating instead may seem like wisdom, but it’s definitely not godly wisdom.
Staying on the narrow path with God and trusting His many commands to avoid sexual immorality are both good and for our flourishing, leads toward fulfillment, joy, and life. Let’s choose life, rather than momentary pleasure accompanied by severe long-term consequences.
This is the third part of a series reviewing Greg Coles book entitled Single, Gay, Christian. In Parts I & II, we examined how placing a faulty socially constructed framework of sexual orientation ideology onto Scripture can lead to bad conclusions. On the first page of the forward in SGC, Wesley Hill writes about how he longed for “A book in which an author talked frankly about being gay, rather than ‘ex-gay’ or just ‘struggling with same-sex attraction.” Hill goes on to clarify that he was looking for someone who “…narrated an ongoing experience of same-sex desire and all that goes along with that.”
Hill equates “an ongoing experience of same-sex desire” with “being gay.” Yet we don’t equate any other ongoing experience of temptation with personhood. This is what sexual orientation ideology offers – a new definition of what it means to be human, revolving around this one aspect of a person’s life. The gospel offers something different. The Lord sees those who have put their faith in Christ through a new identity in Jesus. Many passages note how we are to put to death the old self and put on this new self (Eph. 4:22-24, Col. 3:9, Rom. 6:5-6, I Cor. 6:9-11, II Cor. 5:16-18.).
There are many people who continue to experience the same temptations over long periods of time, and there is no blanket call to be ashamed of this. Quoting from page 9 of the Sexual Holiness, Wholeness, and Brokenness Task Force Report for the WCA, we read:
Even when our temptations continue, through the empowerment of the Holy Spirit we do not have to give into or identify ourselves by them. Instead, confessing those nagging temptations can draw us deeper into authentic fellowship with our brothers and sisters (I John 1:6-10), and deeper into the ever-more persistent love of God:
“I know all about the despair of overcoming chronic temptations. It is not serious, providing self-offended petulance, annoyance at breaking records, impatience etc. doesn’t get the upper hand. No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. We shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we each reach home. But the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean clothes are in the airing cupboard. The only fatal thing is to lose one’s temper and give it up. It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present to us: it is the very sign of His presence.”[1]
Nothing can separate us from the Love of Christ – not even an ongoing temptation. At last year’s New Room Conference, I heard Pastor & author Rich Villodas speak about his book The Deeply Formed Life and principles involved in Emotionally Healthy Discipleship. In his talk, Villodas recommended several exercises, including the “Reaction Inventory.” This list of questions serve as a way to discern what may be underlying a disproportionate reaction to something:
1. What happened?
2. What am I feeling?
3. What’s the story I’m telling myself?
4. What does the gospel say?
5. What’s the counter-intuitive act I need to move towards?
In this series, reviewing this book, while I’m critiquing ideas I don’t mean to pick at Greg Coles - quite the opposite. Greg is an engaging writer and communicator – I’ve heard him speak on several occasions, and he has never struck me as being a freak or anything other than a brother in Christ. I don’t see his personality, tastes, mannerisms, or abilities being sourced from or tethered to same sex attractions. The key point from his book that I’m concerned about is voiced in the third question noted above – “What’s the story I’m telling myself?” Coles tells himself over and again things that don’t line up with how God sees him, and we’ve noted how it has led him to jump to a number of bad conclusions.
The online book club centered on this book was hosted by Dr. Juli Slattery’s ministry, Authentic Intimacy, and we met online towards the end of June. (Dr. Slattery is a psychologist and the author of Rethinking Sexuality, which is on the Gold Star list.) In our discussion, Dr. Slattery commented on how using terms such as “heterosexual” and “cisgender” reflect a modern psychological way of thinking, rather than a Biblical perspective of personhood. When asked about how to address the idea that using terms such as “gay celibate Christian” can be used as a tool to reach out to unbelievers, she suggested asking “When [in history] did we start identifying by our sexual desires?” She also recommended Dr. Carl R. Truman’s book, The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self: Cultural Amnesia, Expressive Individualism, and the Road to Sexual Revolution, and/or his more recent shorter version, Strange New World: How Thinkers and Activists Redefined Identity and Sparked the Sexual Revolution. These books trace the history of equating sexual desires with personhood and the impact of this idea on society.
Dr. Slattery noted that God has made us for intimacy with Him, and that brotherhood and sisterhood are the foundational relationships in the church, (as opposed to our more modern tendency towards married vs. singleness in the church). She said that these assumptions of personhood draw people to look inward and focus on “Who am I attracted to?” and “What do I desire?” for Dnding identity, purpose and meaning – and this is leading to insanity, depression, and increased suicidal ideation, instead of turning to God for meaning, identity, and purpose. She then noted, “I don’t know how long it will take society to connect these dots.”
Asking people questions such as:
“What is the most important thing about you?”
“Show me how this informs everything about you.”
“Why is this so important to how you see yourself?”
…can help address the underlying assumptions that come with using these labels. Thanks be to God – the gospel does tell us another story about our identity. The Lord sees us as we truly are - loved by Him, with the righteousness of Christ credited to our account. Because of His love, we have counter-intuitive moves ahead of us as we follow Jesus:
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal mesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.
Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. II Corinthians 4:7-18
[1] The Sexual Holiness, Wholeness, and Brokenness Task Force Report for the WCA, Pg 9. CS Lewis quote from a letter to Mary Neylan dated Jan. 20, 1942, in The Collected Letters of C.S. Lewis, Vol. 2, by C.S. Lewis, Jan. 20, HarperOne, 2007, pg. 507
[2] See Part II of this series where he uses this label in reference to himself.