Debra Baty
This truth in Proverbs is important enough that Solomon repeats the exact verbiage in chapter 14 & 16. Clearly, this is a truth worth driving home… there are countless ways men, women and young people make foolish and destructive decisions based upon what seems right in the moment.
This faulty thinking can be traced all the way back to Adam and Eve’s original disobedience to God in the Garden of Eden. Even there, before sin saturated nearly every aspect of humanity, a decision was made. A decision based not on what God clearly stated, but on what “seemed right” regardless of what God said.
Naturally, the world doesn’t care about God’s laws. Many don’t even believe in the reality of a personal God who created all things, let alone a God who gave His life to redeem hopelessly fallen humanity. The real issue isn’t the perspective of the unchurched and non-believers. Rather, the far greater concern is so many are living according to “a way that seems right” to them, even as professed Christ-followers.
The examples are endless, but certainly compromise made in the inordinate pursuit of: pleasure, comfort, money, careers, retirement planning, following feelings, personal happiness, sex, and identity are a few of the many ways we set ourselves on a path leading toward death because we reject God’s way for what feels right to us.
As our understanding of and value for God’s laws diminish, we functionally consider ourselves to be more enlightened and “nicer” than God. So we make compromises for ourselves and others that often seem small at the time, frequently giving way to cumulative or major sudden life-choices that are a total departure from God’s intention and outside of His protective boundaries.
When this happens, we engage in the same distorted thinking and reasoning as Eve. We observe the “fruit” before us (whatever that might be). Satan, the world, and our own flesh reason that “it” seems good (Genesis 3:6) and we depart the narrow path of life for the wide path of destruction and death. Sadly, in our deluded condition we often influence others to join us on this path that promises wisdom, fun, and freedom, but actually leads to bondage.
Setting aside the many areas we as purported Christ-followers and regular church-attendeee ignore the lordship of Christ in our lives and abandon The Narrow Way, this particular blog post is addressing one primary area: cohabitation.
In 2019 Pew Research reported that 58% of white evangelicals approved of cohabitation if the couple intended to get married.
According an article at www.probe.org/cohabitation “Cohabitation, as a lifestyle, is on the rise. Consider the significant growth in cohabitation rates in the last few decades. In 1960 and 1970, about a half million were living together. But by 1980 that number was 1.5 million. By 1990 the number was nearly three million. And by 2000 the number was almost five million.
Researchers estimate that today as many as 50% of Americans cohabit at one time or another prior to marriage. The stereotype of two young, childless people living together is not completely accurate; currently, some 40% of cohabiting relationships involve children.”
I have a friend who regularly attends church, participates in Bible-studies, and highly values connecting with other Christians for support and mutual encouragement. She gave her all to an abusive first marriage, doing everything she knew to walk out her commitment and vows. When she discovered that her husband was committing adultery repeatedly she separated from him for a significant amount of time. With his apparent repentance and commitment to work on their marriage, supported by positive actions on his part over time, she returned home in hopes of participating in the much needed growth and development of a far better marriage.
Unfortunately, he did not have the same level of commitment, and as bad as the first 10 years of their marriage was, the years that followed were far worse, including more adultery. Eventually, she left the marriage and divorced her husband. She was devastated, to say the least, and needed time and counseling.
Eventually, without any intention of pursuing a relationship she became friends with a Christian guy, which led to a romantic connection. This brought about a dilemma. My friend had been so emotionally and mentally abused and violated, she was totally afraid of the prospect of ever marrying again. She also didn’t want to put her kids or herself through another failed marriage. She and her boyfriend wound up crossing sexual boundary lines. After that behavior continued for months, it didn’t seem like a big deal for him to move in, with the idea that it wouldn’t be long before they would “tie the knot”.
It’s been 4 or 5 years. They attend church together and seemingly have a life and family together, but with no actual commitment. Her boyfriend wants to get married, but there are still so many areas of unprocessed pain and fear it’s just been easier for my friend to stay where she’s at – living a life of cohabitation, disconnecting from God and her own conscience in this area and ignoring the impact her behavior is having on her now adult children, who are great young men and women, but care nothing for Christianity. Her witness for Christ and her inner peace have been compromised.
In most cases though, cohabitation isn’t about unresolved or avoided trauma from a previous marriage. It’s simply convenient; a way to save money, a way to “test drive” the guy or girl before saying “I do”. But this is a complete disregard for the institution of covenant marriage originated by God.
At www.crosswalk.com an article entitled, “Cohabitation and divorce - - is there a correlation?” stated the following: A 2010 "meta-analysis" looked at 26 peer-reviewed, published studies that followed various couples over time. This analysis found that marrieds who had cohabiting pasts were more likely to face divorce, and that "noncohabitors seem to have more confidence in the future of their relationship, and have less accepting attitudes toward divorce.
Hebrews 13:4 is frank and clear, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators [those who have sex before marriage] and adulterers [those who have sex with someone other than their spouse after marriage] God will judge.”
A few years ago a friend confided in me that he was completely baffled by his 12-step program leader. He had been part of a popular Christian recovery program in a local church for more than a year, working out his own substance abuse issues. He had recently learned that his leader was living with his girlfriend, but according to the leader they weren’t having sex.
While it is possible (though highly unlikely) they were not having sex, is that all that matters in whether or not couples are cohabitating? Aside from the fact that sexual sin is far more likely when we are living and sleeping under the same roof, how does this impact those who look to us as a shepherd or mentor? Either this will generate mistrust (as it should), undermine the leader’s character, or it may embolden others to live out the same practice, usually without any effective boundaries to guard against sexual sin.
1 Thessalonians 5:21-22 says “But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every appearance of evil”. Avoiding or delaying marriage and cohabitating instead may seem like wisdom, but it’s definitely not godly wisdom.
Staying on the narrow path with God and trusting His many commands to avoid sexual immorality are both good and for our flourishing, leads toward fulfillment, joy, and life. Let’s choose life, rather than momentary pleasure accompanied by severe long-term consequences.
In the prelude, Coles, who is a talented writer, shares heartfelt promises to tell the reader his full story, including “…how I lay on my bed in the middle of the night and whispered to myself the words I’ve whispered a thousand times since: ‘I’m gay.’” He writes about this again in the first chapter. Meditating on the phrase, “I’m gay” – repeating it to yourself – is not a healthy exercise.
The quote from Calvin Miller’s The Singer Trilogy comes to mind, which I’m sure has been mentioned before in R4R: “…no man can burn a label into flesh and make it stay when heaven disagrees.”[1]
Also in his first chapter, Coles reflects on having “…a remarkably untroubled childhood. I couldn’t read into my past some trauma that hadn’t happened.” However, he was raised in Indonesia, in a predominant Muslim country in a time of civil unrest. (Some of which he and his brother witnessed.) Later in the book he described how out-of-place he felt as a white boy in this environment, contrasting it with how he blended in more easily in the states:
…I was a privileged minority, richer and better educated than all my neighbors, envied by them. But no matter how privileged, the minority is still a lonely place to be. College was the first place I discovered the magic of fitting in. No one called me “albino” in the streets or gaped at me as I walked by. But even in my biological homeland, surrounded by sweet anonymity, I knew I didn’t quite belong. People would find out where I had grown up, or catch me speaking a hybrid US/Canadian/Australian/British English, or realize my ineptitude with American popular culture, and my cover would be blown. I would be unceremoniously thrust back behind the bars of the orangutan cage, an object of wonder and curiosity and amazement to be intensely scrutinized.[2]
I’m not sure if it is fair to compare people’s natural curiosity about being raised in a different country to being thrown into a sideshow cage. This feeling of not fitting in, and of idealizing others whom he wished he could be like, are recurring waves on the shore of his life in this book. The sensation of distinction from one’s peers is a common root issue in the lives of many who go on to experience same sex attractions, and I wonder if Coles has ever considered exploring this further. (Perhaps he has at some point – I didn’t see a mention of it in SGC.)
In his second chapter, Coles writes about dating women in college while not being honest about experiencing attractions for men. I cringed as I could guess how frustrating and confusing that would turn out to be, thankful that I didn’t try the same experiment. But he was in a Christian college, trying to figure things out on his own, and doing the best he could with that. The saddest part was how he interpreted Jesus saying “no” to pursing marriage with his last girlfriend as a long-term answer:
“You don’t understand,” I begged him. “This is my chance. There’s no woman I could possibly want to marry more than her. If you don’t say yes now, you probably never will, and I’ll be gay and alone for the rest of my life.”
“I know,” he said, and there were tears on his cheeks to match the tears on mine.[3]
… “After that final no, as I laid my dreams of marriage and family to rest, perhaps forever, I was the angriest I’d ever been with God. No less in love. No less willing to follow. But furious and desperate and confused.”[4]
I’m not convinced that putting these assumptions on the shoulders of our Lord are all that wise. “You don’t understand,” doesn’t quite fit our omniscient Savior. How does he know what the Lord will do? This leads us into the most confusing part of the book, where in chapter 3 he writes: “For too long, the message I heard and believed about homosexuality in the Bible was simply this: ‘Paul says practicing homosexuals won’t inherit the kingdom of God. So gay sex is a sin. End of story.’
…If that had been the whole story, I could have accepted it and moved on. But as I learned once I started to read, it wasn’t the whole story. The case against homosexual behavior wasn’t as clear-cut as I’d been trained to believe.”[5]
After reviewing the relevant passages he continues: The Bible’s treatment of homosexuality was complicated, yes. More complicated than the well-meaning conservative preachers and ex-gay ministers were ready to admit. But the fact that is was complicated didn’t make every interpretation equally valid. There was still a best way of reading the text, still a truth that deserved to be pursued.
And when I pursued it, I got the answer I feared, not the answer I wanted. More and more, I found myself believing that the Bible’s call to me was a call to self-denial through celibacy.[6]
This doesn’t make sense. The case against homosexual behavior is consistent throughout Scripture, it isn’t complicated. I’ve no idea what Coles means when he tries to distinguish “well-meaning conservative preachers and ex-gay ministers” from vast majority of Christian belief for the past 2,000 years. (We’ll return to this in Part II of this series.)
The call is for all who follow Christ to deny themselves – yet Coles tries to make a case for this being harder for those who experience same-sex temptations:
…certainly some straight Christians who desire marriage may yet find themselves called to celibacy. Regardless of orientation, regardless of marital status, Christ’s invitation to the cross remains no less true, no less necessary.
But the road to celibacy for the gay Christian remains a distinctly complex calling. To not only resist sexual urges but to try to banish the thought of ever fulfilling them. To have no daydreams of a future romance, to wistful marriage plans. To feel like the very core of your sexual desire and the faith you hold most dear are at odds with each other. There are sufferings far worse than that, but there is none quite the same.[7]
In reading this, two things come to mind. First, I have long wrestled with letting go of daydreams of a future romance with a woman. (It was helpful not to have the legal option of “gay marriage” available as I was growing up.) But many years ago I realized that the core of my being and whatever sexual temptations or desires I experience are different things. The way Coles pits faith against the “core of your sexual desire” here is not lining things up on a level playing field.
It’s been mentioned before in R4R, the core of who we are is the part of us that chooses more than the part of us that merely experiences a feeling. If you keep repeating to yourself “I’m gay,” it’s easy to mix up feelings and the core of who we are.
I’m reminded of the Mirror of Erised in the Harry Potter series – a brilliant invention from the creative mind of J.K. Rowling. “Erised” is “desire” spelled backwards, and the mirror is inscribed with the prhase: “Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi” - “I show you not your face but your heart's desire.”
When Harry Potter looks into it, he sees his parents smiling and standing behind them. He lost them when he was just a baby, and wants nothing more than to be with them again. Night after night he returns just to see their image, until one night when Professor Dumbledore arrives to share the news that the mirror will be moved to another part of the castle.
And that brings us to the second point, I never tried “…to banish the thought of ever fulfilling” these desires. That seems like an exercise in frustration. Instead, I learned to honestly and openly bring these sinful desires to Jesus and ask for His help. He has always provided it. Sometimes I would have to come to Him again and again as my mind would wander back. Other times the Holy Spirit blessed me with discernment to see what triggered or set me off in this direction.
(Learning those triggers was like revealing the man behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz…such an empowering experience.) Always there was the opportunity to learn to trust Him, to spend time with Him, and build a relationship of holy dependency, much like Jeff Simunds described in last week’s edition of R4R.
There are many desires which will necessarily go unfulfilled – the desire to be with someone who is already married, for example. This particular temptation is not that singular. It is good to know that we are not alone in saying no to sin and yes to Jesus.
[1] The Singer Trilogy, by Calvin Miller, pg 148
[2] Single, Gay, Christian, pg 25, Kindle edition
[3] Ibid., pg 31
[4] Ibid. pg 32
[5] Ibid. pg 35
[6] Ibid. pg 36
[7] Ibid. pg 39
[8] Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, by J.K. Rowling